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I Hope You Don’t Understand

September 7, 2010

I frustrate myself. I would like to do as others wish I would and just suck it up. I would love to be that champion for heart disease and perseverance, causing folks to marvel at my resiliency. I would like to lay all fears to rest, to not cause others to worry about me another second. I would like to be that spokesperson for “Just Do It,” denying heart disease any power at all and never giving in to the catch in my throat, tear in my eye or ache that Nitro can’t calm. I’d love to have the courage to climb a mountain or ride a bike or run up a flight of stairs. I’d love to pretend my breath is long and my jaw doesn’t hurt.

I’d love to not be a burden or a hardship for anyone. I’d like to not slow you down or change your plans. I’d love to not inconvenience the medical staff or frustrate gifted cardiologists. I’d love to be all you want me to be and do all you expect me to do. I’d give anything to not let you down or disappoint you again. I’d like to never have a down day or rough week.

I’d love to, but I can’t. I’d love to thrive. I’m content to survive.

I’d love for you to understand but I am so very grateful you do not.

As much as I do not want to be a frustration, I want to be here.  I wish it weren’t so hard, for you, for me. But, I still love it. I still want it, even if I don’t quite fit anymore.

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