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Between a Rock and a Hard Place

August 13, 2010

I don’t want to write about medications. I don’t even want to think about them. As happy as I am, I’d like to take a step outside of this place, this state of being. Just for a day, I’d like to be able to run again. It’s not like not being able to run happened slowly over the course of several years. It happened in an instant. The last time I ran was January 4, 2009. I’d love to be able to sprint up a flight of stairs or run and jump in a pool.

You might be wondering what caused such a state of melancholy to overtake my usual state of reflective gratitude. It was that damn Carnival Cruise line commercial that seems to come on the T.V. every few minutes. It’s the one that shows the fellow sliding down the water slide on board the ship again and again. I use to love water slides. It’s the one that talks about doing exactly what you want to do on their cruise.

I took a cruise once. I think I was actually having symptoms then, because I remember having to walk long distances to get anywhere on that ship. I loved it, though and have always wanted to take another. I’d still like to go again and would no doubt have a great time, even in a wheelchair.

Most of the time, 99% of the time, I’m perfectly content just as I am, just how it is. I don’t think I’m really feeling sorry for myself, I’m just missing a few things today. Sort of like I miss my mother. I’m not wallowing in self-pity, I just miss her and the me that could do all those things. I miss the me that could work and earn money. I haven’t quite figured out how to make money sitting at this computer. People say, “You should write.” I’m writing. And just for today, I’m a little bit sad. Maybe I’m a little bit lonely, just for today.

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