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My Heart’s Content

August 30, 2009

Sometimes I feel a wave of guilt for being content. While I was thrown off the ambition/career/purposeful life/big plan band wagon, I admit that I remain off said wagon by choice. The recovery from bypass surgery did indeed take months. Arteries did indeed occlude once more. Some vessels are held open with stents and drugs and balloons. Some not held open at all. My heart remains oxygen deprived. I do still live with severe PAD and unstable angina. Indeed, my body does not permit my jumping on wagons. Emotionally, it has taken even longer to recover. I feel this phase of recovery has only now begun. The deer in the headlights, post traumatic stress period has begun to fade or at least find it’s place among my methods of adaptation to life, stress, living. With all this recovery however and lack of recovery, I want no part of recovering my previous life. I want recovery of a me I abandoned perhaps not long after her birth, before she/I bought into all the have to’s and need to’s and got to’s and things that make life have purpose and meaning and acceptability. I want no recovery of performance or judgment or expectations of others or reviews or credentials or accolades. I require very little to be happy it seems when stripped of all proof of success. I am quite content. I will now try to let go of the guilt of contentment void of professional merit; void of all societal standards of measurement. For today, I am content to just be. Alive.

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