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Newbies- June 30, 2009

August 26, 2009

newbies

Each day I go to the on-line support group for women with heart disease, I look at the “New Members.” Each day, there are at least two or three. Some, like me, tell their story when they join, others never post a thing. But whether they share details or not, they all go there with a broken heart.

It’s a scary thing, all this sharing when the heart has been broken. It doesn’t take much to crush fragile hearts. Words written with the best intention can still hurt. I have a history of throwing caution to the wind and putting myself out there to be accepted or crucified. I learn slowly. Or perhaps I have a very stubborn belief in the basic goodness of people. I have not been disappointed there. That place has proved itself to be a safe place. A place where thoughts too dark to share with family, too vulnerable to share with friends, too human to expose to coworkers can be purged with abandon then read, accepted and responded to with understanding.

Then, a bit of magic occurs. This brokenness reaches out to another. Not in just its purging state of putting pieces out on the table to look at, but in reaching out to another whose pieces have been spilled. This life that has been fractured and undone with no promise of past purpose ever finding such meaning again, suddenly hits the reply button and holds out a cyber hand. The reason for the extension of this hand is not to receive but to give. Not to find comfort, but to console. This heart that felt too empty to give at all, too fragile to ever be strong, gives in strength, of its strength, despite itself.

My heart has told on itself. While it cannot physically take me places I once went, it has a strength far beyond it’s muscle mass and vasculature. And it has a courage that it acts on whether I have the conscious awareness to accompany it or not. My heart is healing.

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